WARNING: the foods we cook for Abby are safe for her, but not necessarily for everyone. Please confirm any ingredients are safe for you before using in your diet. Food Allergies can kill and the best policy is complete avoidance. Read this post for more info.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Just Tired

Tired of thinking

Tired of worrying

Tired of researching

Tired of being scared

Tired of watching

Tired of analyzing

Tired of questions

Tired of the answers

Tired of seeing

Tired of knowing

Tired of repetition

Tired of stupid chemicals in food

Tired of GMO's

Tired of sickness

Tired of talking in circles

Tired of new discoveries that bring no answers

Tired of complexities

Tired of traffic

Tired of noise

Tired of googling

Tired of not knowing

Tired of the uncertainty

Tired of not trusting

Tired of swimming upstream

Tired of doing it different

Tired of the balancing act

Tired of fighting the status quo

Tired of knowing our way is best,but feeling the temptation to do it the easy way even if it isn't best for Abby.

Despite our generally upbeat attitude that we will unravel it all eventually, some days my brain is just tuckered out. What I would give to not think for even a few days! Abby woke up swollen badly with a nasty cold.. Clearly her kidneys are ticked off.. So, I know the drive and Dr. visit triggered it, but the question that is always present, "WHY?" Still remains unanswered in my tired brain. For the next week I will not be able to function without thinking about "what can I do to settle her" "what if her kidney's get really pissed?" "What if there is something I am missing?" "What food have I missed that might make this better or worse?" "is there a process in her body we could control to stop this cycle?" "if I try something new with her, will it make things worse?" I don't mind the thinking so much, it is thinking about the same questions over and over and over.. every day, all day, and no matter how much I read or how hard I try to understand the data I find when reading through articles way over my head, despite learning bits and pieces, it is the same questions, it is the same worry.. over and over.

Even on a frustrated day like today I am grateful. I am still determined. I still know we are working as hard as we can, and the fact that she has done so well reflects our efforts. I know no one will advocate for Abby like Derek and I do and I am so proud of our efforts.. Nothing makes me happier then being with my family, doing for my family, and forcing myself to read articles that are way past my pay grade to try to understand what in the world could be wrong. I am so proud of Abby, she does everything in her power to keep on keeping on, she finds joy and happiness when others could not. She is tough, and strong, and smart and far more patient then someone her age ought to be.

Right now I am torn- I am thrilled we are learning more about Abby, every single bit of data about her body gives me more information to advocate and search terms for my endless googling to learn how to help her. On the other hand, each new thing we learn seems like one more thing wrong, one more hurdle to figure out..

Thinking about how to cook a new food or where to find a new food is much easier. Cleaning up my messes in the kitchen after a day of kitchen science is easy. Making deodorant, lotion, toothpaste is easy. Exploring international markets for some new food or herb, is easy. Giving comfort to Abby is easy. Dealing with the bad days is easier then thinking.

If I had one wish, it would be the ability to shutdown my brain, for a few hours, maybe a day? To just be a Mom, to trust my instincts, to not have to think about everything everyday with so little progress.. To make a meal without counting how much protein, sodium, vitamin C, B, magnesium. To cook without having to think about where her gut is at and what it will handle this meal, or the next.. To clean not just for the joy of having a clean house, but to clean to make sure her exposure to allergens stays manageable..

I am not tired of fighting. Just thinking! The whole process of the pro's and con's of everything we do for Abby down to her toothpaste. The process of half the world thinking GMO's are evil, yet here in the States our government thinks they are the best thing ever.. Too much sugar is bad for many, but Abby thrives on it.. Why? No answers no matter how much I think. Treatments that work for many make Abby sick, why? Somedays the possibilities are overwhelmingly endless, and I get tired.

I was torn about even posting my pity pot rant, but we all entitled to be tired now and then. Good thing I am not one that believes in throwing in the towel, no matter how tiring the fight. After following so many blogs of children and adults suffering from a blend of what Abby deals with and not doing as well, I tend to feel guilty about being tired of anything. I don't know how some of these families function at all with all the medical interventions and pretty much depending on the medical world to keep their loved one's alive, I dread that far more then thinking. None the less, I do get tired and I am learning that is okay, I am entitled.


Anonymous said...

yup! me,too. I go thru the same loops. And I believe, that, as caregivers, we are definitely entitled to be tired. But unlike some, despite the odds or maybe because of them, we keep on keepin on..and that to me is what is important. We just keep winging it....hopin we are winging it right! I guess that is where the saying of a wing and a prayer...cuz prayer sure seems to come with winging it!!!

Diane said...

Here's to winging it the right way! :-) Again and again I have learned to trust my instincts- it keeps me plugging a way.

Feeling refreshed today and ready to dig in again. Determined or glutton for punishment- either way, it is the way that works! :-)

Ty- always nice to know I am not alone!

Kristy Williams said...

I dislike that I can relate all too well to being plum exhausted. Feeling like we can barely keep our heads above water everyday. And yet with that still recognize that things could be so much worse. Wish we could share a hug!

Anonymous said...

Once again, your words ring so true with me!

I do get tired of all those things, very tired, too.


Diane said...

Hugs Teresa and Kristy, we are all so tired of thinking! But all of us have the advantage over many out there, we are willing to do the hard thinking, the hard work, the endless and frustration options- we all work for the best for our children and ourselves- tiring but the right thing to do!

We will all figure it out- they say we hardly use any of our brain, so I am guessing even though my brain feels like it will explode if I try to learn one more thing, It Won't. :-) We can and eventually we all Will.

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